Of Ropeless Jumps and Scoreless Games

Like crude oil, self-esteem is a hot commodity; heady, pricey, and oftentimes untapped. Used correctly and responsibly, it can make things a lot better. But used unwisely or too liberally, it will cause trouble for yourself and everyone around you. Over the decades, we Americans have become just as obsessed with self-esteem as with the black gold that fuels our life. We cultivate it in ourselves and our children until it grows into a creature from "The Little Shop of Horrors," ready to devour everything in its path.

Cultivation of belligerent self-esteem starts with the belief that everyone should be equal. This socialistic mantra has trickled down from on high, causing us to do ridiculous things like jumping rope with no rope and not keeping score at childrens soccer games. After all, keeping score is harmful to the self-esteem of every child except the ones who score. We can't have little Timmy walk off the field crying because he didn't put the ball in the goal now can we? Parents extend their praise for just about everything from good behavior to scrawled crayon drawings far past the realm of realistic acclaim. Punishment is deferred in favor of bargaining, "If you promise to be good for an hour, I'll give you a treat!" To a developing mind, this fosters the belief that almost anything can be gained with the right amount of manipulation.

When I was a child, we jumped rope with real ropes. Some children weren't too good at it, some fell on their face, but having everyone be equal at jump rope wasn't really the goal. We kept score when we played games. There was disappointment, but that's the way life is. To lie about it would do more disservice to the child in the long run. When I misbehaved, there was no bargain. I wasn't lured with candy or toys to be a 'good girl' no, I was punished. And there is no better way to learn a lesson and learn it good than to have it taught by a swat on the behind. Conversely, I was praised when what I did was actually good. The talent which I rely on today to make a living was carefully monitored and encouraged by those around me, not by empty praise for every drawing, but by honest, constructive criticism. When I accomplished something exceptional, I was treated with exceptional praise, but if what I did was just okay, the response was just okay.

We're treading dangerous waters here. When children are coddled and propped up on undeserved laurels, when reward is given for nothing, those children grow up to be entitled adults. The trickling down that caused parents to over cultivate self-esteem is trickling up to curse our society with raging narcissists. They see themselves worthy of all sorts of things based on very little effort. Self-esteem is important, confidence is key to success, but such things can not be gotten by rights of breathing. We must stop lying to ourselves and to our children. We must know the limits of self-esteem just as oil has its limits. A child may be abysmal at jumping rope, but stellar in chemistry. This does not mean we let the child jump without a rope just to save their self-esteem. And certainly, we don't allow the other children to cheat off of this child's chemistry exam so they will feel just as apt in chemistry.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. had it right in his short story Harrison Bergeron. Humans are only equal in that we are all human. We were all meant to be something, to do something, and by unjustly shoring up our weaknesses, we tear down what makes us great. Self-esteem is best used conservatively and for its intended purpose. No one wants a vehicle to use too much fuel and when an engine uses too much oil, there's something terribly wrong. Humans have fought and died over oil and believe it or not, they've done the same due to self-esteem. In the long run, conservation of both is best.